Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
