I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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