look no pants
There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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