Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
Randomize
