my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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