Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Randomize
