that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
