The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
It's never too late to be topless.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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