I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
Hippo gnu deer
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Randomize
