my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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