I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Randomize
