My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Randomize
