He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
