dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
