I molested 6 butterflies tonight
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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