Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
Randomize
