Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Randomize