Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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