david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize
