I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
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