Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
