I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
I still have a little drunk in my system
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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