seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
Randomize
