the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
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