Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Randomize