My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
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