Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Randomize
