Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
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