I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Randomize
