3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
