Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
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