I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
