Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Randomize
