I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
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