My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
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