just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
