he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Randomize
