I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
I need to stop coming to work sober
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Randomize
