thus making me awesome and them whores
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
