Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
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