I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Randomize
