I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize
