why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
found the other keg... it's in the tree
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Randomize
