I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Randomize