He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
