Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
