Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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