I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
Randomize
