My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
