You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
