Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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