Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
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