a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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