New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
