i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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