you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Randomize
