I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
