JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
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