I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
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