Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Randomize
