last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Randomize
