I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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