my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Randomize
