i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
