Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
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