My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
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