Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Randomize
