Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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