He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
worst night to have a conscience
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Randomize
