mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Randomize
