Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
