just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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