no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
Randomize
