So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
Randomize
