Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
