I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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