And she was only 16?
You say that like it's a bad thing.
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
