Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Randomize
