Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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