Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
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